Making his first appearance in the Super Bowl without a horde of league investigators chomping at his heels, Patriots’ quarterback, Tom Brady, is a man on a mission. The objective – clear his name and prove that deflategate was nothing more than happenstance caused by global warming. Just a few days after his godlike performance on Sunday where he demolished the Steelers 36-17, Brady doesn’t want to take any chances when facing the Atlanta Falcons. With his fifth Super Bowl ring within grasp, the two-time NFL MVP called a press conference to share his plan for Super Bowl LI.

With reporters teeming with interests, Brady emerged from the back, carrying a deflated ball. Catching the room’s attention, the quarterback revealed that he would not leave anything to chance. His plan? To inflate every football that will be used at the Super Bowl – which he is calling “Inflategate.”

Both shocked and confused, the room erupted with questions as to why Tom Brady would do such a meaningless task instead of practicing for the big game. Understanding there would be some confusion, the quarterback did his best to explain his intentions. The main reason behind his motives is to silence the naysayers who would try to stifle his talents.

Commanding the room once again, Brady reached behind his podium and unveiled a bicycle pump. Giving the same stern look his fans are accustomed to on the field, the reporters watched as Brady inflated the ball, which took over ten minutes to complete. At which time, he handed the football off to NFL commissioner Roger Goodell to weigh it. Astonishingly, the ball met NFL regulations to the exact pounds per square inch.

After receiving a standing ovation, Brady hoisted the bicycle pump in the air and gave thanks to Walmart for their every day low prices and supplying him with the Rapid T-Valve bicycle pump with the glueless puncture kit. Seeing as there are 24 footballs to inflate, Brady quickly left the room to start his journey, leaving Goodell to end the press conference. Not mixing words, Goodell commended Brady on his unwavering sacrifice to the game of football and hoped many more would follow his example.

Article by Chris Piner